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Dear Nancy,
(My newsletter to everyone today ... wait for it ... can become fun and addicting!)
What is “friendly fire?”
In the military, this is considered one of the worst things that can happen; when you mistakenly shoot your own team.
OMG! That is so stupid! Who would do that?
How does that happen? Miscommunication, working the wrong plan, poor aim, wrong mission, wrong place/wrong time/ (going off course) etc.
(And most obviously, mis-labeling the good guys as the bad guys!)
What does this have to do with riding horses?
In sports, it is all about learning and doing better, and for most riders, we need a trainer or coach to help us.
Now, an interesting thing can happen when a rider contracts for a trainer to help them …
Sometimes the rider turns on the trainer!
(Wait, what?)
Yup! Even the BEST ones!
(Wait, Why? )
Because they are doing something wrong?
No, the "student" will simply just perceive them to be doing something wrong even if they aren't.
We call this "demonizing." (Perceiving the good guys as the bad guys.)
It usually includes labels like "bullying."
Not that all trainers are perfect, and of course some ARE crossing the boundaries into REAL bullying.
But aside from the REAL dysfunctional ones, I always tell clients NOT to ditch that tough trainer (or "difficult" horse) YET because usually it's a rider's own issues that are being triggered.
What does the outcome of that demonizing look like?
There is a long list, but basically, the rider decides NOT to follow the trainer's "suggestions" or rules for their program.
This could come out as combative, argumentative, or the dreaded passive aggressive actions where the rider simply doesn’t show up. Or the rider shows up, but always late and or refuses to “follow” and do what the trainer or coach is telling them to do.
Why would a rider do this? (And is THIS friendly fire?)
Well, first, no … that is not the friendly fire …
The friendly fire part is the self-sabotaging that the rider is doing. To him/herself!
Coaching is a leader/follow dance. We can’t become good leaders (for our horses, children or business) if we don’t first learn how to be good followers.
This is why the military has their future officers spend two years as cadets learning to do nothing BUT take orders. To become good followers!
Only the good followers can move forward into becoming good leaders.
So if the attitude is, “Too bad, whatever you tell me to do, I’m going to do the opposite.” Well, that person is kicked out of the program and will never become a leader.
(Of course, someone with serious control issues will say, "Good, I want to do things MY way anyway!")
Opportunity for LIFECHANGING and equestrian rockstar growth GONE!
And then they go to a new barn, new trainer, new relationships, and in some cases even a new horse, and the dance repeats itself over and over.
They are either quitting or being made to see "it is no longer a fit."
These are the riders that can't be pushed outside their comfort zones to become disciplined enough to be their best.
These are the riders that trainers are too afraid to tell them the truth;
"No, it wasn't the horse's fault. It was YOUR fault! Let me tell you what you did wrong and what needs to be changed."
If we are to become good leaders for our horses, then we first need to learn how to become good followers for our trainers.
Because if our attitude with our coach is, “Well, I’m doing the opposite of whatever you tell me to do,” you can see how that rebel attitude is not going to produce a well-trained equestrian.
These are not the riders that have good habits of being open and listening to feedback from their mounts ...
Or responding to that feedback in a consistently flexible, adjustable, and timely manner in the show ring.
They do not become effective pilots for their co-pilots because they are rigid and resistant.
Why do human beings get sucked into, and keep falling down into, this non-productive, bad habit rabbit hole that sabotages their growth?
Because they are placing a higher value on meeting their needs for significance. (And they are in denial about how it is stunting their growth!)
Significance is a basic human need we all have for feeling important, unique, special and POWERFUL.
They are also fulfilling their human need for certainty; having the comfort of knowing they can predict/control events or life. (Rituals or traditions all give us certainty.)
Human beings will fulfill their human needs in either negative or positive ways.
Obviously, feeling powerful by being resistant and rebellious is not always going to work to our benefit if we focus that tactic on the wrong mission!
(The right mission for this feeling of power would be to focus that badass "attitude" on kicking a health issue, improving a relationship or success in our career!)
Or winning in the show ring.
It is “friendly fire” when we essentially shoot ourselves in the foot by feeling powerful and in control by resisting being trained and coached to ride better.
Going to do the opposite? Not very safe. Not very productive.
Quitting on trainer's program (and horses) when things don't go our way?
NOT an attractive look because, of course, we all see that pattern (in other people, anyway) as being childish.
Children and teenagers do this because they are essentially out of control of their emotions.
Lacking emotional strength, they don’t know a healthier and more productive way to get their needs met for feeling powerful!
But the rest of us are all adults, and we DO have other ways to get our needs for significance (power) met.
For one thing, we could ride better! (But this requires we show up and train consistently with the attitude of a coachable follower who places a high value on growth and moving forward and WINNING!)
In other words, someone that places a high value on having mastered the art of being a teachable follower.
But what if you already feel that you are riding pretty well, can’t you then revert back to mainlining your “fix” of power with the inner rebel?
Yes, you absolutely could, but that means you are not practicing breaking bad behavioral habits. Rewiring your brain.
You are practicing weakness and failure when you can't better aim and redirect your inner rebel.
What else are you resisting and missing out on in life? And how well does that tactic work with your family, spouses, friends and employees/clients?
Most people don’t like control freaks anymore than your horse does!
It is all about knowing when and where and upon whom you are going to use that great, inner fire power.
This requires some solid guard rails to help you stay on the right bridle path. Another word for those guard rails is rules.
(Hate others applying rules on you? Then beat them to it and apply them yourself so it is YOUR decision ... if you HAVE to feel in control!)
Rule number 1: Don’t do “friendly fire” and shoot yourself in the foot by resisting and rebelling against others who will make you better!
Rule number 2: Want to REALLY feel powerful? Aim higher!
How about feeling powerful by reining in and controlling and mastering your inner rebel?
What if you could make your sabotaging tactics actually work FOR you!
Here is what I did to overcome what everyone could see (but I didn’t want to cause I was enjoying my power trip too much):
I was so hard wired to be stubborn and to be a rebel and to NOT follow “orders”, that I decided to play a game with my inner Chef De Saboteur to outsmart him!
Since I was SO GOOD at being the "all mighty powerful control freak/resisting rebel", I turned that Chef De Saboteur ON myself!
Yup!
I decided to REBEL against my rebel!
This was my "go to" BRILLIANT sneak attack ambush;
I would say to myself, "There is NO WAY I am going to let my childish control issues trip me up! I stubbornly refuse to let my stubbornness sabotage me!"
"I'm a grown adult who is in control of my emotions. There is NO WAY I am going to embarrass myself by acting like an out of control teenager!"
How do you like that?
Want to know how powerful and significant I felt when I was no longer controlled by that childish, bad habit?
Want to know how powerful I felt that I was not going through life, walking away from growth and other opportunities, just because my inner control freak was triggered by "commands" or rules?
It felt like a million bucks!
We THINK we are being powerful with our "I'll show you" friendly fire, but the truth is, we are OUT OF CONTROL.
Some of us even end up subconsciously choosing life partners, careers, friends, and even horses and trainers BECAUSE of our rebel control issues!
(You know, "safe" people and animals that give us the certainty that we CAN control them.)
We can tell ourselves the "story" that the rest of the world doesn't see that we are obviously out of control, but that's a choice to stay stuck in that denial.
And some of us do end up staying stuck in that because the pattern for feeling "fake power" is so addicting!
The truth is ... wait for it ...
If you can’t EMBRACE the growth opportunities of being a teachable follower, if you can’t make yourself become coachable because it makes you feel too controlled to do what someone is suggesting or telling you HAS to be done a certain way (God forbid!) ...
Then you have a great opportunity now to become more powerful by learning the mental skills of reining in and redirecting that force!
Why waste that powerful energy on sabotaging yourself?
Why continue being forced to make all decisions based upon what your rebel Chef De Saboteur forces you to do?
Especially if you want to become a great rider. Laser focus all your power on getting better at anything you want to accomplish in life!
This includes working with the top, tough trainers and coaches, not just the weaker ones that "agree" to do it your way;
Walking on egg shells with you because they are afraid to trigger your control issues!
Or carefully wording every sentence while changing their tone to a "pleading and begging one" for all their communications with you.
Which escalates to not being honest with you about the fact that it WASN'T the horse's fault, it was something you did wrong and YOU need to change.
So now you are not even receiving the valuable feedback you need to become a better rider.
Yes, you are controlling the narrative! Feels powerful, right? But guess what?
While you are fulfilling your need for certainty, you are also controlling the outcome of not winning.
So losing the game, NOT winning it.
Friendly fire.
Embrace being coachable. Get your need for power and certainty met by managing that stubborn/growth resisting rebel to work FOR you instead of against you.
Learn how to redirect and rechannel it to … rebelling against that trigger and bad habit.
Yes, I know you don't want to give up the misdirected fake power.
But once you get that same need met in a more positive way (and better yet if that results in winning in the show ring), using ADULT power, you will see how fun and addicting it is to HARNESS that rebel!
Make it a powerful week ... in a positive growth way!
Nancy Dye
Breakthrough, Equestrian Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength & Resiliency Trainer
Strategic Interventionist
1-561-866-0402
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