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Last week my newsletter was about one of the main ways riders sabotage themselves. This week is about how we may allow others to sabotage us.
Ask any fitness trainer in a gym, and they will tell you that THIS is their biggest challenge!
Their new client is motivated, they show up consistently, and then just as they are making progress losing weight, getting stronger, and looking like a million bucks ...
BAM!
They stop showing up or there is a backslide into old habits!
What happened?
This is SO common, most fitness trainers will even pre-warn the client hoping to prevent the inevitable!
But how can they convince their client that those people who supposedly are their biggest supporters ...
Who maybe even were the ones who originally got them to the gym and then PAID for it ...
Suddenly are doing "well meaning" things like ...
Baking their spouse's favorite cake to "celebrate" all that weight loss!
"Oh Come on! That doesn't happen!"
Oh yes, the variety of insane sabotage is creative and deep! After all, a person seeing their spouse suddenly looking great and then always at the gym hanging out with all the other men?
Or …
What about the family member, friend or teammate who ...
Plans a getaway trip scheduled for the days or weeks of training with their horse right before a show or just after the season circuit starts which interrupts your momentum?
Or invites the family and your best friends for a late-night party before an event?
Now, don't get me wrong ...
Sometimes the reason is NOT that the significant other is threatened with you suddenly getting in shape or spending all your time at the barn or shows.
Sometimes it is the family member or friend who is threatened by how EMPOWERED you have become!
You know, like suddenly you can tell them no or that you disagree with them instead of being fearful or acting like a self-sacrificing people pleaser. Again.
Or becoming disciplined and working longer hours and not always available to them when they want. Suddenly they start preaching to you about being obsessed or a workaholic and how important it is to have a "balanced life."
Which somehow is never balanced enough for them and ends up interrupting that critical momentum and "unbalancing" your results and sabotaging your dreams!
Or the parent that decides maybe they don't want an "empowered" child who found their voice and is confidently giving their opinion after all!
What about a teenager suddenly blowing up a parent's phone all night before the parent is going to show in a big event?
See what I mean?
Parents, spouses, children, and friends who feel they are losing priority, control, influence or money!
Now, these threatened individuals are not bad people.
They are simply human.
(OK, well some might even be downright co-dependent or have dysfunctional issues ... but ...)
For most of these "well-intentioned" people who probably really do love us ...
It is all about their feelings of uncertainty! And their lack of mental skills to deal with it.
As the dance changes, the relationship is not familiar anymore.
Or the balance of power has shifted!
So as riders become stronger mentally and more successful, sometimes the family members and friends will throw in a monkey wrench and all so innocently start putting a dent in the now, well-oiled machine.
Yes, I said innocently because many times these actions from loved ones are done subconsciously simply because they are not self-aware.
As they react and suddenly shift to disagreeing with the trainer, the schedule, the plan and then they sabotage the successful results!
Especially if they may be feeling anxiety about this expensive sport ...
Because as they see you winning more, that may lead to the additional expenses of you showing at finals and all the indoor events (maybe even a new horse), so their behavior MAY come out in ways that will sabotage your training and shows.
How can we stay strong when well-meaning people are disagreeing with the newly acquired winning mindset and "the winning training plan?"
When they are causing conflicts with the trainer, the vet or other experts you are working with? Over and over?
Because THEY want to be the experts. Or THEY researched. Or THEY asked around for another 100 opinions?
How can we stay strong enough to create boundaries and say, "No, while I would love to go to that event/trip, those dates don't work for me."
Or "That is my training day. I am committed to my coach’s plan. I am not going to risk disappointing my team.”
Or "That sounds like a great night/event, but I can't stay out that late."
Or "Let's NOT plan to host this huge wedding for our friends at our home so close to one of my most important events of the year."
Or "I value your opinion and appreciate your support, but that is in direct conflict with what my trainer/teacher/coach/vet wants me to do."
"I'm staying the course because said I would, and I am practicing the peak performance skill of keeping my word, building on the momentum, and not allowing myself the old bad habit of getting distracted and off track."
The answer is easy; take extreme ownership and decide to act as if you are fearless!
Take back the reins!
If we allow ANY OF THEIR NONSENSE to derail our "plan", we can't blame them! That is on us if we ALLOW that to happen.
But we need to SEE it first. And call it out. If not directly to them, at least to ourselves!
Listen, I am not making excuses for others, and neither should you.
But people are complex.
Sometimes the hard truth is, they subconsciously put their own needs above ours and spin it as being in our best interest because they have convinced themselves of that.
It is human nature. (For that human, anyway.)
So stay aware and guard against this sometimes subconscious (sometimes intentional) playbook.
We don't have to be angry about the resulting behavior from their uncertainty or insecurities ...
But we MUST NOT VOLUNTEER to be derailed either ...
By becoming the victims of having to even get rid of horses, trainers, shows or dreams.
Or to end up underperforming in the show ring.
Just be smart about what they may be doing. Do their words and actions match?
If no, decide to be fearless and learn how to master having the tough conversations!
"I know it may seem that I am not being flexible or spontaneous, or that I don't care how you feel, but momentum and consistency are critically important in sports and especially when establishing new, good habits. I really appreciate your support and understanding with my training and show schedule."
It may be a bumpy ride, but grab your cowboy hat and commit to riding through it.
Deploy emotional strength and stay the course.
Remember, you are not responsible for their feelings or happiness. That is their job!
Your job is to stay the course with rewiring your brain for peak performance, generate your absolute best results in the show ring and in life, and practice daily the art of joy!
Stay true to the new, empowered Rockstar identity and mission you are working on and keep riding straight and forward.
Nancy Dye
Peak Performance Mental Skills Coach
Emotional Strength & Resiliency Trainer
Strategic Interventionist
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